and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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