If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
