Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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