looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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