I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
