Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
