I am puke
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
