a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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