She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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