I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize