so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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