If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
