I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
