Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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