Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
