I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
