u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
