Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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