I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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