my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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