I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
