I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
