I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it glows. i had to have it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
