dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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