I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
