i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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