a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
