I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
