I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize