Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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