i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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