end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
