he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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