yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
