Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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