Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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