I met the friendliest cop last night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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