Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
