My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize