Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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