Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
