Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
