our cab driver is having phone sex.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
