I looked at my own cervix.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
