I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vagina is officially offended.
Randomize
