Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
