Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
