guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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