my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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