My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
now i know why i became what i already was.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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