Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
