Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
