THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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