I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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