I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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