She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you would pick up someone in the library
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
