does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
