My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
