Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
